Welcome to chapter 18-The Vicious Flower
This Chapter is close to my heart, This was one of the hardest and darkest chapters in my life. I am not a therapist or a doctor. What I speak about is what I have taken from my personal therapy sessions and what has helped me heal.
Sometimes it feels like the same problems keep showing up in our lives, no matter how much we want things to change. We tell ourselves this time will be different, yet we still find ourselves reacting in the same ways and wondering why nothing shifts. That’s where the idea of the vicious flower really helped me understand what was happening.
The vicious flower is a simple way of explaining how a problem is kept alive. Imagine a flower where the issue sits right in the centre of the flower. That issue might be anxiety, fear, self-doubt, overthinking, or anything that feels like it’s holding you back. On its own, the issue isn’t as powerful as it feels. What gives it strength are the petals surrounding it.
Each petal represents how we react to the issue, and each one feeds information back into the centre of the flower. Automatic negative thoughts tell us we can’t cope or that something bad will happen. Those thoughts create emotions like fear and anxiety. Our body reacts with physical sensations — a racing heart, tight chest, palpitations, dizziness. To escape those feelings, we start avoiding things. We also begin checking, seeking reassurance, replaying situations in our head, constantly scanning our body for signs that something is wrong.
All of these reactions are trying to protect us, but together they send the same message back to the centre: this is dangerous, you’re not safe, you can’t cope. And because the centre keeps receiving that message, the issue grows stronger and more convincing. The cycle continues not because the fear is true, but because it’s being fed.
This is why we have to start picking these petals off slowly. Left alone, they keep us living in fear. They slowly cripple us, to the point where we begin to believe we’re incompetent, incapable, or broken.
When I started picking off my petals, I cried. Not because I didn’t want to heal, but because I was scared of what would happen to me if I stopped my avoidance behaviours. Avoidance had become my safety net. It felt like the only thing keeping me okay.
Some of my avoidance looked like staying away from alcohol, caffeine, the gym, lifting heavy things, and even going out and socialising . Basically anything that could stimulate my heart and give me palpitations or a panic attack, I avoided. In my mind, those things were the problem. My thoughts told me they were dangerous.
What I didn’t realise at the time was that it wasn’t those things causing the palpitations — it was anxiety. But anxiety is convincing. It tells you a story that feels very real. It points the finger everywhere except at itself.
I didn’t notice it at first, but I was limiting my life. I thought I was protecting myself, when really I was feeding the fear.
Eventually, I had to face the truth. If I didn’t slowly start introducing the things I was avoiding back into my life, I would end up doing nothing at all. My world was quietly closing because fear was making all the rules.
So I started gently. Slowly. One petal at a time. I didn’t force myself. I didn’t rush. I took my time and slowly started introducing the things I was avoiding back into my life one day at a time . I had to stop letting avoidance decide everything.
And yes, it was scary. It still is sometimes.
It might sound silly to someone who hasn’t lived it, but it’s real. Fear doesn’t have to make sense to be powerful.
And slowly, as the petals began to fall away, life started to make sense again . Not perfect. Not fearless. Just quieter. My world widened again. I did more. I trusted myself more. Things that once felt impossible became manageable, then normal. Life became less about avoiding discomfort and more about actually living.
I don’t know what your flower looks like. I don’t know what your petals are feeding to the centre of your flower . But if you have a vicious flower, I want you to know this — I know what you’re going through. I know how scary it feels. I know how trapped it can feel.
But there is a way out. You have to be strong, you have to be willing and you have to be intentional with wanting to heal. It’s not easy, its one of the hardest things I ever had to do my life. But I wanted the old me back again I missed her. And I know my family missed me too. You don’t have to live in that darkness forever.
I was there once. I had to work hard. I had to face fear slowly and sit with discomfort. I had to rebuild trust in myself and find the fun-loving version of me again .
And I did.
Not overnight. Not easily. But step by step, petal by petal, I found my way back. And if the vicious starts to grow again I have a blue print on how I will it face it . But the first step is to recognise the signs or it could fool you and appear in disguise.
Let me leave this with you : You don’t break the cycle by fixing the centre of the flower. You break it by removing the petals one by one. You don’t need to be fearless. You don’t need to rush. You just need to stop feeding it And that’s where real change begins.
Love Shana xx